Miraculous Ladybagel
by Mythril Moth
Summary: Ladybug agrees to judge a bagel bake-off when she learns Adrien will be one of the guest judges. What follows is one of the most stomach-churning days of her life. (Rated Teen for raunchy humor.)
**Author's Notes:**

And now for something completely different.

This is a little more like my _usual_ flavor of fanfic, as my long-time readers over on FiMFiction could tell you. (Hi guys!) Just...don't ask where the idea for this came from. It's silly. I'm silly.

* * *

 **MIRACULOUS LADYBUG: "MIRACULOUS LADYBAGEL"**

 _by Mythril Moth_

"...bagels."

"Bagels."

Ladybug, the oft-time savior of Paris, stared at Mayor Bourgeois, face slack with disbelief. _"Bagels,"_ she repeated.

Mayor Bourgeois straightened his sash. "Certainly you're aware of how popular the bagel is becoming lately in Paris."

Ladybug knew _all too well_ how popular bagels were becoming. It was a bit of a sore point with her father, who wasn't terribly fond of the bagel shop that had opened a block from the bakery. By no means was it hurting business, but the whole "you should start selling bagels, they're really popular now" thing was a pet peeve for the traditional baker, whose time-honored French breads and pastries were second only to his family in his heart.

She herself didn't really see the appeal. In her opinion, bagels were soft pretzels without the flavor.

"Well...yes, I had heard," Ladybug said. Sheepishly, she added, "I'm...really more a fan of croissants myself."

"Oh, I am too," the Mayor agreed, nodding. "Personally, I can't start the day without a good croissant. But bagels are blowing up, as the young people say, and the Best Bagel Bake-Off promises to boost business for bakers, bistros, and—"

"Those obnoxious food trucks?" Ladybug finished, arching an eyebrow. "Like the five you just bought?"

Mayor Bourgeois coughed. "Well...yes."

"Okay, so what does this have to do with me?" Ladybug asked.

The Mayor shifted his weight. "Well, being a young heroine and popular celebrity, there's quite a bit of interest in having you attend the Best Bagel Bake-Off as a guest judge."

"Umm...I'm flattered, really, but that's...kind of not my thing," Ladybug said.

"Are you certain?" Mayor Bourgeois asked, somewhat crestfallen. "Quite a few young celebrities will be in attendance—Mireille Caquet, XY, Adrien Agreste—but having you there would really—"

"I'm in!" Ladybug declared in a breathless rush. Then, catching herself, she cleared her throat. "I mean...who am I to refuse my adoring public?"

Mayor Bourgeois smiled. "Excellent! I'll notify the organizers and make the arrangements." He paused. "Ahem. Exactly how do I contact you—"

Ladybug blanched. "Umm...just e-mail the girl who runs Ladyblog," she said. "She'll blog about it and I'll see it."

"Very well. I look forward to seeing you there!"

"And I look forward to seeing Adr—I mean, I look forward to all those bagels!" Ladybug laughed weakly, then hastily departed.

 _*It's worth eating a few bagels if I get to be around Adrien,*_ she told herself as she swung through the streets.

* * *

"You _sure_ you don't wanna go to this bagel thing?" Alya asked. "I'm covering it for Ladyblog, and Adrien's one of the guest judges. I mean, I'll be there, Nino will be there..."

Marinette offered her friend an apologetic grimace. "I don't think me going to this thing is a good idea," she said. "You know, because my family runs a bakery, and bagels are kind of the enemy..."

Alya arched an eyebrow. "The enemy. Don't you think that's a bit of a—"

"Nope!" Marinette said. "Bagels offend my French pride! Or something." She smiled sheepishly. "I don't have to go to _every_ stupid little thing Adrien is making an appearance at."

Alya's eyebrow climbed higher.

Marinette folded her arms and pouted. "I don't wanna watch the guy I love cram bagels into his face, alright? It's just too awkward." That wasn't a complete lie. Marinette was honestly expecting this whole bagel thing to be a cringe fest from the word go.

Alya laughed. "Okay, alright, fair enough. You'll just have to hear all about it on Ladyblog." She walked away, holding up a hand in salute. "Later, bread girl!"

With a sigh, Marinette searched for a quiet, private place to transform. "Please tell me I'm not the first Ladybug who ever had to do something this stupid," she complained to Tikki.

Tikki laughed sheepishly. "Sorry, Marinette. I've been around for thousands of years and this is honestly the first time anyone with the Ladybug Miraculous has _ever_ been asked to do something like this." She shrugged. "Maybe it won't be so bad?"

"You're not the one who has to choke down all those bagels," Marinette muttered. _**"Tikki, spots on!"**_

Within minutes, Ladybug arrived at Le Grand Paris, outside which a crowd of anxious fans had gathered to catch a glimpse of the celebrities entering the hotel. Her heart fluttered as she saw Adrien step out of a limousine, wearing a black silk shirt, ash grey slacks, black dress shoes, and a white ascot. He waved to the cheering fans, an easy, modest smile on his face as he walked into the hotel.

Wrapping her yo-yo around a flagpole, Ladybug angled her descent to touch down right in front of Adrien, dismounting gracefully and giving the screaming fans a bow and a wave. Adrien stopped short, eyes wide.

"L-Ladybug," he said in a soft, surprised tone.

"Hello," Ladybug said. She shifted one leg, scraping a toe across the carpeted entryway. "S-so...how's your dad doing? After that whole thing?"

"Oh, umm...fine," Adrien said. "He, uhh...it didn't bother him, really."

"Good."

"So, uhh...we should go inside," Adrien said.

"Huh? Oh! Right." Ladybug waved to her fans some more, then turned and walked into the hotel lobby beside Adrien.

Almost immediately, she ran face-first into a huge poster of herself. It was illustrated in a style that gave her face a sharpness it lacked in real life and embellished her curves a bit more than she was comfortable with, especially around the chest area. She'd been drawn in a suggestive and alluring action pose, slinging her yo-yo toward the viewer...

Except her yo-yo had been replaced with a bagel.

She dragged a hand down her face. "Oh, you have _got_ to be _kidding me_ ," she said flatly.

Beside her, Adrien chuckled and patted her on the shoulder. "Don't let it get to you," he said. "They do stuff like this to my photos all the time." He paused, then added, "Well, I don't think they've ever tried to make me that much more—ah— _mature_." He quickly withdrew his hand. "Whyyyyy don't we go find out where they want us!" His voice cracked so adorably Ladybug immediately forgot about the humiliating poster.

For now.

Somebody was going to pay for that later.

Maybe when the electric tingle from Adrien's touch wore off.

* * *

Ladybug sat at a long table with Adrien on her left and Mireille Caquet on her right; XY was further down the table, on Adrien's left. "There's only four judges?" she whispered to Adrien.

"Well, I heard they tried to get Chat Noir, but he declined the invitation," Adrien replied.

Ladybug groaned. "Great," she said. "It would've been nice of him to be here to look ridiculous _with_ me."

"Hey, at least you won't have to hit the gym for an extra hour a day after this," Mireille said. "I'm jealous of how fit being a superhero keeps you."

"Well, it _is_ good for the abs," Ladybug said. "And the thighs, calves—"

"It's good for the _everything_ ," Mireille said. "It, uh...kinda shows, too."

Ladybug's face turned as red as her mask. "Please stop," she muttered, burying her head in her hands.

"So uh," Adrien said loudly, coughing to clear a crack in his voice, "speaking of Chat Noir..." He glanced at Ladybug, then ducked his eyes, his cheeks pink. "Are you two, you know...?" He looked up and, seeing the tilt of Ladybug's head and the quirk of her eyebrow, waved his hands frantically. "It's just a rumor I heard!" he added hastily. "I was just wondering, is all."

"I'm a bit curious about that myself," Mireille said. "Every time I see the two of you together on Ladyblog, you do look like the perfect couple."

"A couple? Me and Chat Noir?" Ladybug laughed, shaking her head. "He's way too flirty and obnoxious! He never stops with the lame puns and corny lines!" She giggled softly. "He's a good partner, though. He's always got my back...I trust him."

"Does he know who's under that mask?" Mireille asked.

"I don't trust him _that_ much."

"Are you kids done talking about annoying things that aren't me?" XY complained loudly from down the table.

Ladybug leaned past Adrien and flashed him a smirk. "Why, would you rather we talked about annoying things that _are_ you?"

"OUCH!" Adrien said with a laugh. "Score one for the lady!" He held up a fist for Ladybug to bump; she obliged him while XY leaned back, muttering under his breath.

Popular television host Alec Cataldi rushed into the room from a side hall, slightly out of breath, daubing at his bald head with one of the hotel's guest towels. "Right, everybody's here? Good, we're live in ten minutes." He smiled broadly. "Lovely to see so many familiar faces here! It's just a shame we couldn't get Chat Noir and had to settle for XY instead."

"HEY!" XY cried indignantly.

Alec gave him an insincere apologetic grimace. "Sorry, bro, but your star's fading faster than your album sales. Just be glad you're still popular enough to be an alternate. You almost got replaced by the girl who runs Ladyblog. And nobody even _knows_ her!"

"Uhh, she's _right over there_ ," Ladybug pointed out somewhat indignantly.

"Yeah, but nobody _knows_ her," Alec reiterated. "Internet famous isn't the same as TV famous."

"He's got a point," Adrien admitted with a shrug.

"Isn't Chloé Bourgeois usually the alternate for things like this?" Mireille asked.

"Well, yes, but she's been banned from culinary competitions," Alec said. "Something about sabotaging Chef Cheng's soup and causing that whole Kung Food incident." Adrien massaged the bridge of his nose; Ladybug smirked. Alec clapped his hands and smiled brightly. "Anyway! Get ready to eat bagels like you've never eaten bagels before!"

"Yay," all four judges said unenthusiastically.

* * *

"WELCOME to the Best Bagel Bake-Off!" Alec exclaimed into his microphone. "Eleven of the top bagel artisans in Paris will be competing for the honor of being declared Best Bagel, and earn the coveted title of French Ambassador of the Bagel!"

The small crowd of spectators applauded; off to the side, eleven men and women in white jackets, aprons, and toques stood in a line, hands clasped in front of them. The cameras focused on them as Alec went down the line, introducing each chef and interviewing them briefly. Once he had finished and each chef had received polite applause, Alec walked over to the judges' table, the cameras following him. "And now, I'll introduce our four young celebrity judges! First, the number two recording artist on the pop charts, XY! It's good to see you, XY, how's your next album coming along?"

XY shrugged dismissively. "You'd have to ask my producer about that, I'm just here to put a face on the music they engineer."

Alec nodded. "Alright, then. Next, we have the hot young fashion model, Adrien Agreste, son of famous designer Gabriel Agreste!" Alec moved down to Adrien. "Here's hoping this doesn't turn out like the _last_ time a member of your family was on our network!"

Adrien grimaced. "Yeah, let's try not to do _that_ again."

"But if something _does_ happen," Alec said, "we'll all be safe, because sitting _right here_ , right next to the golden boy of fashion, is THE savior of Paris, Ladybug!"

Ladybug gave the cameras trained on her a sheepish wave. She caught Alya recording, her phone focused on her and Adrien, and flashed her a V-sign.

Alec moved on to Mireille. "And lastly, we have Mireille Caquet, the popular weather girl! Mireille, what's your forecast for this competition?"

Mireille blinked. She looked at the eleven expectant entrants. "Umm...one hundred percent chance of bagels?"

Laughter filled the room. Mireille ducked her head and blushed.

Alec grinned. "I'd say that's fairly accurate!" He walked away from the judges' table to face the cameras directly. "Alright! The promoters and entrants have agreed to a blind judging format for the first round of this competition. In just a few minutes, our eleven entrants will return to the kitchen to put the finishing touches on their bagel offerings. They've been asked to present their bagels in accordance with the finest French traditions of cuisine, so presentation and elaboration on the basic theme of the bagel will be a major factor in the judging. For each contestant, the judges will be presented with a quarter of a bagel and given a brief explanation of the bagel they're eating from the notes I've been given ahead of time. The judges will be asked to confer, critique, and score each bagel based on the criteria on the cards in front of you."

Ladybug's eyes widened. _*That's almost three whole bagels I have to eat!*_ She looked down at her stomach and grimaced. Mireille touched her arm sympathetically. "I feel your pain," she whispered.

"When the judging is complete," Alec announced, "the top four scores will move on to our final round of competition!" He turned to the side, where a production assistant was waiting to lead the chefs out of the room. "Ladies and gentlemen... _LET'S BAGEL!_ "

* * *

 **BAGEL #1:**

 _Poppy seed and onion brushed with garlic butter_

Ladybug cut a delicate bite from the bagel, eyeing it with suspicion. "Onion and garlic butter," she muttered. "That gives me an uneasy feeling." She picked it up with her fork and put it in her mouth. Her eyes almost immediately began to water. "Oh," she said with distaste. "Oh. Oh, gah."

Beside her, Adrien frowned. "It's a bit strong," he said.

On Ladybug's other side, Mireille gagged, reaching for a bottle of water and taking a long swig. "Oh god, that's horrible," she said.

"I can barely taste it," XY said with a shrug. "It's too chewy though."

* * *

 **BAGEL #2:**

 _Pretzel bagel with sea salt and cheese fondue sauce_

"I've been asked to inform you," Alec said as the plated bagels were laid in front of the judges, "that the sauce contains sharp cheddar, Swiss, blue cheese, and dry red wine."

"As long as it isn't Camembert," Adrien muttered. Ladybug blinked at him. He laughed shakily. "Long story, don't wanna tell it."

Ladybug examined the dark brown bagel which sat before her. It was really more of a soft pretzel than a bagel, with a spoonful of cheese fondue dashed over it and garnished with a single slice of sauteed mushroom. She cut into it and picked up a bite with her fork, spearing the mushroom along with it. When it hit her tongue, her eyes widened. She chewed for a moment, savoring it, then began making notes.

"I kinda liked that one," Adrien said.

"I kinda _loved_ that one," Ladybug said, quickly finishing off the rest of the bagel quarter. "But does it really count as a bagel?"

"Yeah, if you think about it, that was a soft pretzel," Mireille said. "I mean, I love soft pretzels, but a pretzel is a pretzel and a bagel is a bagel."

"I can't taste the wine," XY whined.

* * *

 **BAGEL #3:**

 _Traditional bagel with cream cheese_

Ladybug chewed the bagel listlessly. "I feel like I'm chewing on a tire," she muttered.

"At least it doesn't _taste_ like a tire," Adrien said.

* * *

 **BAGEL #4:**

 _Honey sweetened bagel with sesame seeds_

Ladybug chewed thoughtfully. "I don't hate this," she decided.

"Me either," Mireille agreed. "It's not great, but it's not bad."

"I could almost see myself having this for breakfast," Adrien said.

* * *

 **BAGEL #5:**

 _Sriracha bagel with sweet onion glaze_

Ladybug grabbed her water and drained half of it in one gulp. "NO," she declared.

"Total agreement," Adrien said, pushing the plate away.

"This is one righteous bagel!" XY said.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Mireille moaned.

* * *

 **BAGEL #6:**

 _Sesame bagel with mushroom omelette_

"Make it stop," Ladybug groaned.

"Bye-bye waistline," Mireille cried.

* * *

By the time all eleven entrants' bagels had been consumed, the judges were full, their eyes were glazed over, and they were decidedly tired of bagels. They moaned and complained amongst themselves as they conferred and entered their final scores.

A production assistant provided each of them with cold ginger ale and antacid tablets. "Just a little longer," she said with a game smile.

Ten minutes later, Alec stood front and center before the cameras. "And now, it's time to announce our four finalists!"

Ladybug didn't pay any attention to the names of the four chefs who were invited into the room. One was a squat German man with a pinched face, bushy eyebrows, and beady eyes. Another was a tall, lanky Frenchman she vaguely recognized as an old friend of her father's. The third was a swarthy woman whose French had a thick American accent, and the fourth was a plump, kind-looking old man with twinkling brown eyes and a stiff scrub of greying beard.

"The finalists are chosen, ladies and gentlemen, and now it is time for the Bagel Bake-Off's big finale! Our finalists will each present their best bagel dish to the judges. For this round, the bagel will be presented whole so that our judges may appreciate its artistic merit, then it will be cut for the tasting and judgment.

"Without further ado, Chef Klaus, please present your bagel!"

"Ja." The German strode forward, holding a covered serving platter, which he placed on the table. A camera moved in to get a close look at the bagel as it was unveiled. "This is my signature dish, the Missionary Bagel."

With a flourish, he removed the cover.

XY started laughing.

Ladybug's left eye twitched.

The plump golden brown bagel on the plate was impaled through the hole with a thick, stubby sausage. A large dollop of brown mustard sat off to the side.

Adrien facepalmed. "Seriously?"

Alec walked over, studying the bagel. "Interesting," he said. "And what are you trying to say to the world with this bagel, Chef Klaus?"

"This bagel represents the human condition," Chef Klaus replied. "It is a statement on the drives we all share, regardless of where we are from, our social and economic standing, our political views. In the end, we all share—"

"Okay Chef Klaus, thank you," Alec interrupted. "Why don't you, umm...just cut this now, so the judges can...yeah."

Ladybug quickly scribbled a note on a card and held it up so Alya could see it clearly: "Don't put this on Ladyblog." Alya nodded mutely.

Once the presentation had been mercifully butchered and the bagel plated for tasting, it actually wasn't horrible. It had a crispier outer texture than most; the sausage was flavorful, and the mustard was hot but not excessively so. When the judges finished, Alec moved down the line to get their thoughts.

"I just don't know anymore, dude," XY said. "A bagel is a bagel."

Adrien frowned. "It was a bit...heavy," he said. "I think perhaps heavier than French appetites are comfortable with for breakfast? Bagels are supposed to be a breakfast thing."

"Well, once you get past the awful name and the...umm... _presentation_ ," Ladybug said, "it was actually pretty tasty, but I agree. I can't really see this being a staple of breakfast in Paris."

"Well, speaking as the rare French person who likes an English or American style breakfast," Mireille said, "I wouldn't mind something like this if, y'know, the sausage wasn't, umm..." She blushed. "Where it was."

As Chef Klaus, a slightly disgruntled expression on his severe face, returned to the line of chefs, Alec turned to the cameras, but his words were clearly intended for the judges. "Just as a reminder: while bagels are, of course, a breakfast staple, the purpose of this competition is to display the versatility and potential of the bagel, not merely its applications as a breakfast meal. Please keep that in mind when forming your opinions and rating the finalists' entries." He beamed. "Okay! It's time for our second finalist! Chef Dupont? Please present your dish."

The Frenchman stepped forward, placing his covered dish on the table. "I have prepared a special dessert bagel," he said. "It is a tribute to our two greatest heroes." He uncovered the dish.

Ladybug covered a giggle.

The bottom half of the bagel was dark chocolate. The top half shone with a bright red glaze and was dotted with chocolate chips. A dollop of creamy custard filled the hole.

"May I present the Lady Noir," Chef Dupont said grandly. "Half of a dark chocolate bagel, half of a coconut cherry glazed sweet bagel with chocolate chips."

A round of chuckles filled the room, courtesy of the spectators.

"Well, at least I'm on top," Ladybug muttered under her breath as Chef Dupont sliced the bagel. Beside her, Adrien made a choking noise, his eyes bugging out.

Alec hurried over to the table, covering his microphone. "Kids, let's _please_ keep the innuendo to a minimum with this one," he said with a pained grimace.

"Oh, I'll kick anybody who makes a wisecrack," Ladybug assured him. Down the table, XY clicked his tongue.

The "Lady Noir" actually tasted pretty good; Ladybug could see herself enjoying it as a dessert treat if not for the weird factor involved. She did have one critique about it, though: "I really think strawberry would have been a better choice to represent me than cherry, Chef Dupont," she said.

"I'll make a note of that, Mademoiselle."

Adrien glanced at her. "Do I even wanna know?" he asked.

"No. No you do not."

"Alright! Next up, we have Chef Pachis! Present your dish, Madame Chef!"

The swarthy woman sauntered up to the table, setting her covered dish down with a flourish. "For my dish, I am presenting a flagel which has been dipped in ouzo prior to baking, and filled after baking with oil-cured olives and feta cheese. There is also yogurt which I recommend spreading on the flagel as you eat to bring out its full flavor."

"Why a flagel?" Alec asked. "I've heard of that being an American thing, but I've never actually seen one."

Chef Pachis shrugged. "It is flat."

Adrien and Ladybug exchanged a resigned glance as Chef Pachis cut the flagel. Once the four teens had tasted it:

"Yeah, this is crap," XY said.

Adrien grimaced. "Madame, you're...trying way too hard to be Greek."

"WAY too hard," Ladybug agreed.

"I don't really like Greek food when it's done right," Mireille said. "This is the opposite of done right."

Chef Pachis scowled darkly and stormed away.

"Oh...kay..." Alec said, watching her retreat. "Well, there's only one entry left! Chef Bernstein, if you please?"

The last chef walked over to the table, laid down his platter, and uncovered...

A plain bagel.

The judges blinked at it.

"It's...a plain bagel," Adrien pointed out.

Chef Bernstein shrugged. "A bagel's a bagel. What's the point of making it fancy? It is what it is."

Absolutely nobody had any response to that.

After tasting and judging the plain bagel, the judges conferred for several minutes. At last, Ladybug stood up. "We have reached our decision," she announced. "The purpose of this competition is not simply to find the best bagel in Paris, but also to nominate a chef to represent the intersection of French culture and culinary tastes and the decidedly un-French bagel." She looked over at the expectant chefs. "With respect to every chef who participated..." She motioned to Adrien, who stood up beside her.

"Chef Dupont? We hereby declare your Lady Noir the winner of this Bagel Bake-Off, and appoint you the French Ambassador of the Bagel," Adrien said, smiling broadly. The small audience cheered politely as Chef Dupont stepped forward to take a bow. Chef Klaus shot the four teens a hearty scowl before departing to the kitchens. Chef Pachis rolled her eyes and stormed out of the hotel. Chef Bernstein shrugged, smiled and waved at the judges, and returned to the kitchens.

"And there you have it!" Alec exclaimed. "Let's have a big round of applause for our winner, our judges, and all the chefs who took part in this historic event! The Lady Noir will be featured on Le Grand Paris' menu beginning next week! You can probably expect to see it appear in better bagel bakeries near you soon! Thank you for watching! Goodbye from Le Grand Paris!"

Ladybug stood up, rubbing her stomach. "Ugh," she complained. "My stomach hurts."

"Mine too," Mireille said. "I think I'm gonna go home and— _urp!_ —throw up for a few hours."

"I have karate **and** fencing this afternoon," Adrien grumbled. "That's gonna be fun."

"Oh, shut up, you whiners," XY said, leaning back and kicking up his feet. The others glared at him.

Adrien casually hooked his foot around the leg of XY's chair and tipped it over, spilling him onto the floor. "Whoops," he said in a light tone, folding his arms behind his head.

Ladybug giggled. "That was mean!" she said. "But funny."

Adrien bowed. "Anything to amuse, m'lady," he said. Then he stood up straight and blushed, rubbing the back of his head. "I mean, umm...sorry, I was just tired of that guy."

Ladybug smiled. "It's okay," she said sheepishly, ducking her head. Her Miraculous gave a beep, and her eyes widened.

"You'd better go," Adrien said. He coughed. "Um, I mean...that means you have to go, right? When it does that?"

"Y-yeah," Ladybug said. She looked up at Adrien, her cheeks pink. "W-well..."

She then let out a very unladylike belch. Her eyes widened in mortification. "Oh. My god. Did I just—"

"Hey, it happens," Adrien said with a smile. "Better out than in, right?" He waved as he headed for Alya and Nino, who stood off to the side. "See you around, Ladybug!"

"Y-yeah..." Shaking her head, Ladybug sprinted through the rapidly dispersing crowd, launching her yo-yo at a building across the street and swinging out across Paris, her stomach lurching with every change of direction and death-daring dive.

By the time she got home, Ladybug's stomach and colon were protesting something fierce. Not even bothering with her balcony, she swung straight for the bathroom window on the second floor, grateful it was easily opened from the outside. She flipped in and landed right in front of the toilet. _**"Tikki, spo—"**_

The bathroom door opened. Sabine Cheng walked in. She stopped short, her eyes wide.

Ladybug froze. She gave a small, embarrassed wave, a sickly grin on her face. "Umm...okay if I borrow your bathroom?" she offered weakly.

Sabine nodded numbly, backing out into the hall and closing the door behind her.

That night, Marinette vowed she would never agree to judge a culinary competition again, not even if the dishes were served off Adrien's bare chest.

 **FIN.**

* * *

 _Miraculous Ladybug is the intellectual property of Zagtoon, Method Animation, Toei Animation, and Thomas ASTRUC. This intellectual property is used without permission with no intent to profit from said use. The unique content contained on this page is the property of Mythril Moth, and redistribution of this content without express permission is strongly discouraged._


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